Saturday, February 03, 2007

New Eyes

Saturday Cuppa: Rosehip and Hibiscus Tea. When I was a little girl my mum often made this for me. It is especially refreshing when left to go cold.

A Friend's love says:" If you ever need anything, I'll be there."
True love says: "You'll never need anything; I'll be there."
~ Jimi Hollemans

This week marks the eighth anniversary of our landing in the UK. We arrived with two teething, tandem-nursing toddlers, a ventriloquist doll and a few suitcases. Oh, and ten pounds in our pocket!

I have such mixed feelings about my life in the UK ~ an ongoing sense of a lack of kindred-spirit friendships local to where I live, and a deep sense of living in the wrong country. I’ve been blessed to meet some gorgeous women (and their husbands/children); women who’ve become wonderful friends. BUT THEY DON’T LIVE HERE IN CUMBRIA. They’re scattered throughout England, Wales and Ireland.

When I first started The Mother magazine five years ago this month, I knew I had to remain ‘rooted’ to the spot; to commit fully to the publication. And I have.

Then we bought our small piece of land a mile up the road ~ such a bitter-sweet experience ~ and with a heart & soul full of deep desires and dreams I literally put roots down. I was content. I was happy. I praised The Universe for the magic of it all. And then Life threw in one of those nasty little bites that nips you on the backside so darn hard it has you facing the wrong direction, or so it seemed.

Now I no longer have the land, except memories. The administrative affairs of The Mother magazine are now managed by The Art of Change, which means I can literally edit from anywhere in the world, so long as I have an internet connection for e-mailing the final product to the printer.

I should feel joyous, free and ready to fly.

The truth is I’ve never really felt settled here. I’m on a mission to find my soul-home. My night dreams have me in a different country each night, which is very confusing! Some nights I’m back on the 700 acre property (Darling Downs, Queensland, Australia) my parents bought when I was six years old ~ surrounded by mountains, creeks, dams, dozens of horses, and yet, in my dreams, I’m not a child, I’m my present age.

Another night I’m back in New Zealand, not far north of Auckland, yet surrounded by hills and trees and SUNSHINE.

My dream life is rich and vivid. Free entertainment at the best of times!

One particular dream I was living in a beautiful, spacious home when the door bell rang. I opened the door, but no-one was there. I stepped onto the veranda (which was high off the ground) and looked out onto a delightful garden which was all made on water, beautiful lilies everywhere. And then, to my absolute joy, I saw a unicorn in the garden. IN MY GARDEN!!

Last night I was back on the land of my childhood home. The girls were with me, having a great time sliding down a dirt embankment. They were so happy! I was looking out onto the field I always imagined I’d build a home on. In real life, that field was bought by a Robinson Family (how ironic is that?) but, very sadly, the house burnt down (with the family).

In my dream last night, I looked at the ground where the house had been, and contemplated rebuilding on there. The weird thing is, I really have no desire to live in Australia.
Sun, yes. Eucalyptus trees, orgasmic yes! MY MOTHER, YES! YES ! YES!!!
Snakes, no.

More recently I dreamt I was giving birth ~ everything was easy, peaceful, quiet. Unassisted by midwives, I reached down to touch the baby’s head and was surprised to find it was a tiny foot coming out first. I was thrilled! The ease of the birth; the delight and surprise have led me to believe I will ‘give birth’ to a new way of life in an unexpected but delightful way (hhm, or maybe it is just giving birth to new ideas?).

Years ago, I dreamt of the man whom we bought our small piece of land from, and in my dream there were a lot of turtles coming out of the pond. Without even knowing what the future was to hold, I instinctively took the message to mean, ‘we take our home with us’.
The other day I picked up a book on the Okanagan Valley in British Columbia, Canada; a place with a great climate and a valley filled with fruit trees, amidst a stunning landscape not dissimilar to the Lake District here in the UK.

Tears fell helplessly down my cheeks. I so want to be there.

I don’t feel like I’m running away from anything, but I do feel such a deep need for a blank page; a fresh start. Could there be a connection to hitting 40 this year? It’s just a number, a bloody number for goodness’ sake, yet I feel an overwhelming desire to get on and DO something with my life, instead of just coasting along waiting for something wonderful to happen.

And it might just be that my soul-home IS here in the UK, but where?? In my heart, when I *feel* for what my home looks like, it is a combination, all perfectly formed, of natural landscape, spacious home built from natural resources, and a community of like-minded people.

This week, with all the glorious sunshine, we’ve managed to get in two lovely family walks. The Eden Valley, here in Cumbria, is a little-known paradise adjacent to the well-known Lake District. Our home is near the base of the Pennines, gentle rolling fells, and each day I awake to beauty all around me.

On our family walks this week, I stood high on hills overlooking lush, green, fertile valleys; admiring the meandering River Eden and felt such deep appreciation for living in a place of outstanding natural beauty. The winter sun shone with all its might through tall trees, showering me in an enriching light. Why would I want to leave here? I have to wonder, though, if I’ve not created community here after eight years, will I ever?

We rarely get over to the Lake District despite living a mere 20 minutes from Lake Ullswater. This week we did go over there one afternoon. The scenery is so different from here. Such rugged mountains, deep lakes…truly awe inspiring beauty. It’s no wonder people travel from all over the world to be here!

Half a mile from our home is the Long Meg and Her Daughters druid circle. My girls and I often walk there in the warmer months and picnic in the stone circle.

I’m allowing myself New Eyes so I can remember how darn lucky I am to live here. It’s important I continue to appreciate this beautiful place and allow it to heal whatever it is that causes such a deep ache in my heart ~ an ache that I hope helps me find a physical ‘home’ while I live on Mother Earth.

Home is where the heart is, and my heart needs like-minded hearts and minds to be with on a day to day basis. Phone calls are wonderful. E-mails are great. They allow me to communicate with friends in Panama, Australia, New Zealand, America, Canada, and so on. But e-mails aren’t walks in the sunset any more than they are cups of tea by the fire, or a secret girly night out to the movies. E-mails don’t provide the fun and warmth of sharing an evening meal together. And I miss that.

I really, truly, deeply miss the day-to-day connection of having close friends right on my doorstep. It’s a basic human need to see ourselves mirrored in others…smiles, hugs, laughter, joy. E-mail smiley faces :-) just aren’t a patch on a human smile with a twinkle in the eye, are they? Or the real life laughter that has you wondering if you’re getting to the stage of needing incontinence pads!

As for my Spiritual Home, well, I know it is always with me. I don’t feel disconnected with that. It’s with me, instantly. I take that Home with me everywhere, like a turtle wears its home on its back. My Home is within me, and I’m riding on its back! It carries me through this journey of life. And I could be wrong, but perhaps it is this Inner Home that is navigating me towards finding an Outer Home in which my physical being can resonate to its full potential.

If you live in a place of beauty (away from cities and towns), where kindred spirits abound, do let me know! Love, Veronika


matildacaz said...

Hi Veronika,
I know how you are feeling i to have had a mile stone birthday, and turned 30, last month.I too feel the need to set down roots, but have a few obsticles in my way at the moment but i feel that this year is the year i take a step towards making things happen.
I don't have your problem of where i want to lay down my roots as i live near Cardigan in Westwales and it's beautiful here with open countryside and deserted beaches(although the down side is they are packed in the holiday season but you can't have everything).
I hope that this year you too will find that special place to lay down your roots, and share your life with like minded people. This life can be a lonely journey sometimes without female company, and girly chats!!!
Love and happiness for your future

Keith Austin said...

from Keith's angela.... hey there, Feb marks our two year ann. from South Africa and I have been feeling all the things you have, this last full moon seems to have been very powerful and pushing all these ideas, home and friends, belonging ect to the fore and also what happens after death for me, but I am 32 maybe you have that one , ticked. Sending lots of love.

mighty acorns said...

sounds to me like you ought to be in New Zealand Veronica...lots of likeminded women here....Coromandel, Raglan, Takaka. All unspoilt places with sensitive environmentally aware, authentic communities who would love to have you!

Joanne B said...

I've heard great things about New Zealand,- I'd like to go there myself :) We're also thinking about emmigrating,- the Uk isn't a very healthy place to raise children and the future dosen't look too bright for them either:(

Sara said...

Maybe one day we will all decide to go to the same place and it'll be bliss... we've pretty much decided to sell up and travel in a van again until we decide where to settle. NZ is high on the list! Most of it is gorgeous. We are most definitely open to suggestions, as long as it's not colder than the Peak District!
Love to you all
Sara xx